


They're definitely dating

by Prim_the_Amazing



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alien Cultural Differences, F/F, Humor, M/M, Misunderstandings, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-29 22:09:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12640188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prim_the_Amazing/pseuds/Prim_the_Amazing
Summary: She realizes that Dave and she had been holding hands during their entire conversation with the trolls, and idly wonders what they thought about that. Probably just that they were clingy siblings.





	They're definitely dating

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cryogenia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cryogenia/gifts).



> Inspired by one of Roachpatrol's tumblr text posts.

It takes Rose longer than it probably should for her to realize that she’s still holding hands with Dave. Long enough for them to have finished talking with the trolls and to have made their departure to go and find suitable bedrooms. In her defense, she’d _just_ died in an exploding green sun. It was disorienting, to say the least. Dave doesn’t seem to have noticed yet, though. What’s his excuse? Oh, he also died in an exploding green sun? Too bad, Rose already grabbed that excuse.

His hand is warm and callused, the fingers long and tapering like hers. The last time anyone held her hand was her mom (don’t think about her) back when she was young enough not to try and figure out the logic behind her actions and just took her at face value like she should have all along _(don’t think about--)_

Right, that was enough of that. She puts on her most knowing smirk (which looks _very_ knowing), looks at him slyly, preparing the smug tableau that is her face, and then squeezes his hand.

Dave has a good poker face, she’ll give him that, but he’s albino pale and his blush can be seen from the other side of the corridor, and she’s standing much closer than that. He lets go of her hand.

She changes her sly expression to mock hurt. “Why, David, there’s no need to shy away from displays of affection with me. I’m your sister, remember?” (Like she hadn’t been relying on him to end it for them, like she isn’t relieved, like the reassuring comfort of the handhold hadn’t already been edging towards feeling like too much for her, overwhelmed. But admitting to that would be a touch too sincere for her right now, and neither of them are all that good with emotional vulnerability in the first place, to put it mildly.)

“Don’t remind me, Leia,” he says. “Shit, if there is a God--”

“We’re the gods, Dave,” she chimes in, but he rolls on past her comment, already gearing up for another one of his common flows of bullshit.

“--then he just pulled a George Lucas on us, because shit, remember that uhhh, actually why don’t you just go on ahead and act like I never called attention to our past flirting, it never happened, nuh uh, repress that bitch like it’s the memory of that Thanksgiving where your uncle wouldn’t stop stroking your thigh underneath the dinner table--”

“Interesting that you’d try and distract from our incestuous interactions by calling forth imagery of a different sort of incestous interaction,” she says, because he makes it too easy for her, really.

She watches him flail in the wind, desperately trying to recover from that one while still clinging to his chill facade, and automatically covers her genuine fond smile with an amused smirk instead. Dave can always be relied upon as a decent distraction from thoughts a bit too dark for her tastes at the moment (she’d rather try and avoid going grimdark again, thanks).

She realizes that Dave and she had been holding hands during their entire conversation with the trolls, and idly wonders what they thought about that. Probably just that they were clingy siblings.

* * *

  _They’re matesprits._

Kanaya knew she was jumping to conclusions.

_They’re madly in pity with each other._

After all, they’d just been holding hands. That could just mean that they were moirails.

_Dating._

Or particularly affectionate kismesises.

_As red as red can be._

Or… very good hatefriends?

 _You know I’m right,_ her anxiety told her.

Kanaya huffed at herself and went to go and find a distraction.

“HEY!” Karkat said as he saw her. _“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”_

“Clown hunting,” she said, revving her chainsaw for emphasis.

“No! Goddamnit! We’ve already had this conversation! It’s _not happening.”_

Kanaya sighed and reluctantly switched her weapon back to its lipstick setting. She could feel a headache coming on, and she wasn’t in the mood for an argument with Karkat to hurry it on.

Karkat visibly relaxed. “Uh, thanks. I honestly wasn’t expecting that to be so easy. You okay?” And then he belatedly winced, probably realizing how probing into how she was feeling could be interpreted.

“Fine,” she said in a clipped way that she hoped invited him to press further rather than warn him off. It was a fine line to walk.

He blushed, suggesting to her that he’d understood her. She turned her face away to hide the upwards twitch of her lip at her successful flirting. At least something was going well for her. Ah, and there was her sour mood again, making its reappearance at the reminder.

“No, really, what’s up? Um,” he fumbled. “As the _leader_ of this piece of shit rock, I’ve got to be on top of shit so I don’t turn around to find yet another murder fuckstravaganza taking place, okay?”

So he was deflecting his true intentions for now. That was fine. They had over a sweep, she could wait.

What was important was that she now had someone to vent to.

“I think Rose and Dave might be,” she lowered her voice, _“seeing_ each other.”

Karkat blinked at her for a second before a frown snapped onto his face. “Really!? _That’s_ why you were looking for Gamzee so you could cut him in fucking half!?”

“I needed a distraction,” she defended herself. She was _not_ overreacting.

“They’re probably not even dating!” he shrieked.

“Really?” She perked up at this, eager for someone unbiased to confirm her dearest hopes.

“Yes,” he said, rubbing at his eyes tiredly like he couldn’t believe nor stand the constant, unceasing stupidity of everyone around him. “Okay, look,” he says. “I’ll go and check for you, and prove that I’m totally right and that they’re not matesprits. Alright?”

Kanaya opened her mouth.

“And I’ll be subtle about it!”

She closed her mouth. She’d make some noises about her doubt over his ability to have any subtlety at all, but again: headache, arguing, no thanks.

Karkat leaves for his mission, and Kanaya starts trying to come up with something to do that isn’t murdering Gamzee. (It’s harder than it sounds.)

* * *

 “Hey, Karks,” Dave said.

“That was awful, never do that again,” he said firmly. And then he blinked. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“We call it the bunk bed experiment,” Rose said. She looked at her and Dave’s creation. “Pending title: the bunk bed monstrosity.”

“I’m sorry but my bro only taught me how to be a sweet fucking ninja, not a goddamned carpenter. Should we call up Jesus maybe, ask him to bring his toolbox? We’re gods so we’re basically like his dad’s cousins, right?”

“Who the fuck is Jesus?”

“Oh, sorry, I meant Jegus.”

“And what the hell is a bunk bed?”

Dave shook his head at Karkat. “Once again, you blatantly show your hand and prove trollkind to be the inferior species. _No bunk beds._ Can you imagine, Rose?”

Karkat could feel himself begin flushing with anger, hands fisting into tight knuckles.

“I’m sure they just have a different word for it,” she said.

“Yeah,” Dave snorted. What a douche. “Like double reclination pad, or soft twofold resting surface, or--”

“As extremely entertaining as I’m sure listening to you come up with made up terms all day is, shut up and pass me the hammer, Dave.”

“Do you have any idea how long it took us to alchemize a hammer?” Dave asked Karkat.

“We didn’t have to. I already had it on me.”

 _“Why did she have a hammer on her?”_ Dave asked him.

“I think John put it there as a prank,” she said.

Dave shook his head. “This crazy broad. Karks--”

Karkat made a forbidding sound.

“--if you ever find me with my head bashed in with a hammer, you’ll know who to avoid, buddy.”

“Hang on,” Karkat said, realization dawning over him. “Is a bunk bed like a two person recuperacoon?”

“Just double checking,” Rose said. “A recuperacoon is what you guys sleep in?”

“Yes.”

“Then yes.”

* * *

 “I've got bad news,” Karkat clearly forced himself to say. “They're definitely dating.”

“Pale dating?” Kanaya asked him desperately.

“Come on, Kanaya. You knew these guys were never pale for each other.”

“We don’t know that for sure,” she rushed to say.

“Because I’m _sure_ two equally emotionally constipated aliens would do a great job balancing each other out, a pale relationship can _totally_ survive off of just amusing banter.”

“Rose isn’t that emotionally constipated,” she said loyally.

“Her rage over her dead lusus turned her into a murderous avatar for the horrorterrors!”

Kanaya really wished she could come up with something to say in Rose’s defense at that.

“Face it, Kanaya.”

Kanaya did really not want to face it.

“They’re matesprits.”

She took a deep breath. She took another deep breath. And another. And then she chainsawed a couch in half.

“I’m not fixing that,” Karkat said.

* * *

 Karkat understood Kanaya’s pain. Not understood as in he had or was experiencing what she was going through, but someone you desired already being occupied in the quadrant you’re interested in them for was a well treaded upon subject in romance novel and films, and considering how many of those he consumed on a daily basis he was something of an expert, obviously.

While romantic angst was pretty entertaining to witness, he was glad he wasn’t a part of it himself. And he was sorry for his friend that she was (not that he _pitied_ her, that’d be weird seeing as he already had pity feelings for Gamzee, ha, you couldn’t pity multiple people at the same time in the same way that would be _crazy,_ hahahahaha).

So anyways, he goes and talks to Dave. Because Kanaya is currently most definitely not in the mood to be talked with, the intimidating memory of watching Rose turning grimdark and throwing the might of the horrorterrors around like it was nothing was still fresh in his mind, and he didn’t want to talk to anyone else on the meteor at the moment for Reasons. That was why. No other meddle-y reasons that had anything to do with interfering with his hatefriend’s romantic life (that would be bordering on pale advances, and as he’d earlier made clear, _nope)_ were to be found.

And he does go to talk to him, and he’s an annoying little bitch. So annoying, in fact, that he entirely forgets to be nosy about his relationship with Rose. So he goes to talk to him again, and he’s annoying, again, but then Dave introduces him to the Mayor and he’s a delight. And then again, because the Mayor was fun, and they watch a movie, and Dave’s running commentary almost makes up for the fact that it isn’t a romcom. Again. He makes a joke that Karkat actually likes enough to laugh at. Again. They play stupid wriggler games and it is far more fun than it should be.

The first time _Karkat_ cracks a joke that Dave likes enough to snort at, he looks at his blushing, weird alien face that he’s trying to hide behind his shades and a hand, regaining control of his expression, and he thinks _oh shit._

* * *

 “They _can’t_ be matesprits!” is how he starts his conversation with Kanaya.

She drops her needlepoint in her startlement and then starts quietly muttering swears to herself as she starts carefully combing the rug with her fingers for the needles she dropped. “Who can’t?”

“Rose and Dave!”

Her gaze snaps up from the floor to him. “You found evidence suggesting otherwise?”

“Well-- not precisely, but! Don’t you think we’re jumping to conclusions. They just held hands _once.”_

“And they share a recuperacoon.” The defeat is back in her voice and she goes back to searching the floor for dangerous needles. She had long since reached the acceptance stage, or as Karkat liked to call it, the Brooding Fuckhead stage.

“Well! Maybe it’s just a weird alien thing! You don’t know!”

“Neither do you. Fuck!” She found one of the needles apparently. She pops her bleeding finger into her mouth and sucks as she gingerly picks up the found needle with her other hand.

“Exactly!” he bulldozes past her objections. “We don’t know enough! This requires further investigation, Kanaya! We can’t just let this lie!”

“Why the sudden intense curiosity?”

“I--well, I was just,” don’t say that he needs Dave to be flush single god that would be so embarrassing to admit to, “concerned for _you--”_ wait shit that would be admitting to having pale feelings for her wouldn’t it it’d be crossing a line shit what excuse can he come up with that isn’t true or mortifying goddammit shit THINK, _“uuur_ boredom! Because you go clown hunting when you’re bored! Yes! Not much to do on this miserable rock! Can’t let you kill one of the very few last remaining trolls left in existence, can I? I’m still the leader of this operation. That’s right. Want to go solve this romantic mystery with me??”

“Karkat,” Kanaya says, giving up her search for the rest of the needles, effectively setting up a trap for herself and all of her awful, unwilling roommates in the future. “Are you suggesting,” cue raised eyebrow, “that the two of us enter a relationship,” cue dramatic pause, “of _cahootship?”_

Karkat gives his pump biscuit enough time to recover from his brief heart attack, masquerading it as a dramatic pause of his own. “That’s right, Kanaya. I want to be… in CAHOOTS.”

She captchalogues her needlepoint and grins her needle sharp grin at him. “Let’s do this.”

* * *

 “Okay,” she says. “Plans?”

“We ask them if they’re dating,” Karkat says.

“... I like it,” she says after carefully considering it for a moment. “It’s direct, it’s to the point. The perfect plan.”

“Jegus you guys are bad at this,” Vriska says.

“Nobody invited you, Serket!” Karkat snaps. And then: “Wait. Kanaya, did you--?”

“I dearly wish your opinion of me was higher, Karkat.”

“Sorry for implying that you’d ever put your trust in this hellbitch.” He lowers his voice, _“Again.”_

She gracefully ignores that. “You’re intruding on our private discussion, Vriska.”

“This may be your private discussion, but it’s a soon to be public trainwreck.” She grins.

“You’re the worst, Vriska,” he says.

“Go away, Vriska,” she says.

“You guys need my help,” she says.

“No thanks, you’ve backstabbed literally everyone you’ve ever been in cahoots with,” Karkat flatly denies her.

“You can’t just outright ask if they’re dating, you amateurs! Because if they are then they’ll know that you were interested, and if they know that you’re interested in them but they’re not interested in you, well, they win forever and you lose forever. That’s just relationships 101.”

“How long were you listening for!?” Karkat demands.

Kanaya frowns. “That’s not how relationships work,” she says, even though what she said felt _true._

“Listen,” Vriska says, ignoring the both of them and their protests as if they’re inconsequential, “what you guys need is an overly complicated scheme to completely protect you guys from being vulnerable in any way at every moment.”

“No,” Karkat says. “That’s dumb and it’s not happening.”

“This explains so much about you,” Kanaya says.

“Oh fuck,” Vriska says. “Am I being vulnerable right now?”

“Yes,” she says, in the hopes that it might make her leave.

“I have other things to take care of,” Vriska says, and leaves. Fuck yes.

“Okay, so, we’re still doing my thing, right?” Karkat says after she’s gone.

“Of course,” she says. “Vriska’s thing was dumb and awful.”

“Yeah!”

“Yes.”

“...”

“...”

“... But what if they do say that they’re dating each other, though?”

She doesn’t even want to contemplate the possibility, so it’s hard to plan for it as an eventuality. “We’ll say… that we’re asking because Gamzee wanted to know.”

Karkat frowns. “Isn’t that mean?”

“I doubt he’ll mind. He’s barely spoken to the humans, he basically lives in the vents now and I don’t think he’d have cared even before the whole-- _murder_ thing.”

“No, I know that, I mean mean towards Rose and Dave.”

Kanaya considers how she would feel if she found out that Gamzee had a flush crush on her and shudders.

“They’ll get over it,” she says firmly.

“Good enough for me.” He shrugs, and they go out to search for the humans.

* * *

 Dave wonders if he’s having a stroke, or a weird dream, or maybe if this is some strange kind of alien prank?

“Dating,” Rose repeats.

“Yes,” Kanaya repeats, toying nervously with her shirt.

“Flush wise,” Karkat chimes in, and Dave knows well enough by now not to ask what that means because he doesn’t want yet another rant about alien romance customs, thanks (also because some of the basics may have sunk in by now, despite his best efforts to remain blissfully ignorant).

Rose and Dave look each other in the eye.

Rose’s lip twitches slightly upwards.

They are the monarchs of poker faces.

Dave can feel his eye tic behind his shades.

No.

Rose’s shoulders start shaking very quietly.

They can do this.

He bites his cheeks until he tastes blood.

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

He sees Rose fist her hands in her dress.

They have to keep it cool and take advantage of this.

They simultaneously break out into howling laughter.

“... Is that a yes or a no, do you think?” Kanaya eventually whispers not quietly enough to Karkat, and it really does not hasten his and Rose’s recovery.

* * *

 When Rose and Kanaya get married, she makes sure to add in a mention about how their relationship was delayed by a whole fucking year because Kanaya thought Rose was dating her brother in her wedding vows.

Dave loves it. Karkat, sitting next to him and holding his hand, not so much, but he cries like a wriggler anyways. It's his moirail's special day, after all. 


End file.
